Here’s how the pros know if you're headed for
troubled times.
Written by Cari Wira Dineen
The sound of his chewing is beyond annoying. And
let's not get started on how she never, ever makes
the bed. "These little issues are totally normal in
any relationship and aren't indicative of whether or
not your romance will survive," says Melissa
Cohen, a couples therapist in Westfield, New
Jersey. But, according to Cohen and many other
relationship experts, there are several warning
signs they notice during sessions that signal bigger
problems—and threaten the viability of their
patients' relationships. Ready to assess the
strength of your union? Here are nine big red flags
to look out for.
1. Your Conflicts Include Criticism and Contempt.
Instead of saying, "Please unload the dishwasher,"
it sounds more like this: "Do you have some sort of
mental condition? Or are you just too stupid to
remember to do what I asked?" Notice how the
criticism is not about the task—it's about the
person. Any version of "What is wrong with you?"
basically attacks the other person's character,
which, when done regularly, can chip away at the
relationship. As for the contempt part, that means
you feel superior to you partner. Often, this can
sound like, "Why do I have to do everything around
here? You do nothing to help out." Contempt is also
expressed nonverbally: eye-rolling, sneering, or
imitating the person's mannerisms. And contempt
just causes more conflict.
If you are stuck in a cycle of negativity, Cohen
suggests that you make five positive comments to
offset one negative comment. "If, say, you
criticized your husband about his terrible driving,
force yourself to make at least five endearing
comments throughout the rest of the day to smooth
things over," she says.
2. Trust is Totally Lacking.
There is no worse deceit than when a partner has
cheated, either sexually or financially. "It breaks the
trust in the relationship, and sometimes the breach
is not fixable," says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.,
psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids:
Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin
Your Marriage . If the couple wants to fix it, the
person who broke the trust needs to be willing to be
accountable to their partner, tell the truth, and give
up some privacy until the trust is repaired.
3. There's Not a Lot of Touching Going On.
"Touch is the building block of connection and
intimacy in romantic relationships," says Cohen.
"While happy couples do tend to touch more, the
true indicator of a healthy relationship is not how
often your partner touches you but how often he or
she touches you in response to your touch." In
short: The stronger the touch reciprocity, the higher
the emotional intimacy and satisfaction in the
relationship.
Similarly, it's a bad sign if a couple's body language
shows that they're trying to ward off the other
person (they both have their arms or legs crossed
or sit at an angle with their back toward their
partner), says Carole Lieberman, M.D., a Beverly
Hills-based couples therapist and author of Bad
Boys: Why We Love Them, How to Live With Them,
When to Leave Them.
This all begs the question: What if you're still active
in the sack? That doesn't necessarily mean that
your relationship is healthy. "We've all seen
relationships that are super sexy but also super
destructive," says Cohen. So make an effort to up
the touching outside of the bedroom, too.
4. There's Too Much Drama.
If a couple fights all the time—especially if there's
violence on either side—Tessina always
recommends that they live apart. "The couple has
to learn to give up the drama—the temper tantrums,
hissy fits, and name-calling—and learn to
communicate in a healthy way," she says.
5. No Big Emotions Are Expressed.
On the flip side, it's also not good if neither partner
cries or expresses big emotions—even anger—and
are instead cold toward each other, says
Lieberman. "It means that they've gone past the
point of hurt and have cut off all feelings toward one
another," she says. Lieberman says that it's
actually better when a couple is yelling, screaming,
and crying, rather than sitting there expressionless
and turned off. "When someone acts as if they can't
wait to get out of the session, they've already
decided that therapy won't work and the relationship
is over," she says. Tessina concurs: "If one or both
parties won't talk about what he or she feels and
thinks or one of them won't listen, the relationship
won't make it unless that person makes a change."
6. Someone Has Outside Entanglements.
If one partner is involved elsewhere (either with a
romantic affair, with an ex, or is even too caught up
with work, other family members, or children) and
won't devote time to his or her partner, the
relationship is in trouble, says Tessina.
7. You're Losing Interest in One Another.
You sit at dinner and don't speak to each other. You
don't have any shared hobbies. "Sometimes, I see
a marked lack of affection, humor, active interest,
excitement, or joy," says Cohen, who points out that
when this happens it may seem like everything is
fine because there's not a high level of negativity or
arguing. But it's still dangerous. "Couples simply
stop sharing their inner world with each other," she
says. And when they stop being friends, the
relationship can't grow.
8. There's a Total Lack of Empathy.
A relationship has reached critical mass when there
is little or no identification with the other person's
feelings. "This makes both partners feel alone and
uncared for because neither of their hurts and pains
are being acknowledged," says Raymond. Often,
the couple becomes cruel to one another in an
effort to make the other one suffer to experience
how bad he or she feels, she explains.
9. There's Zero Motivation to Make Any of It Better.
"When I work with a couple, the first thing I do is
look each one of them in the eye and ask, 'Do you
want this relationship?'" says Tessina. Asking this
question usually brings out the truth—sometimes a
person will bring in their spouse in order to break
up with them. "They're either afraid to say they're
not interested anymore because they fear a violent
or angry response and they're looking to me for
safety, or they're afraid to hurt the partner's
feelings, and they want me to make it easy," says
Tessina.
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